Today is a good day!

It's been a while again..

Wow what a journey this has been. I have had a rough time getting here but I finally am feeling good. I have had a really tough time the past couple weeks. I moved into my one bedroom. By the way no matter how well you think you are doing and how much you love the place, please take my advice and DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT move on the same street as an ex boyfriend. It's hard...

As many of you that are close to me part of the rough time was also due to me and my ex finally ending it for good. After all the pain I had put him through with my fears of committment. My last and final steroid indused breakup was the last he would take. He told me that, I didn't listen. Anyhow, in the end it is over. I am very sad.. My last two weeks have been rough. He has moved on and has a new person in his life. I am happy for him, and sad all in the same. It's amazing how much you don't realize what you had and what you wanted until it's gone. Crazy how life works like that. I will find someone, I am sure, it's just tough when you feel like you let "the one" get away. Someone is a very lucky girl.

It's amazing what an experience like this can actually do to a person in the end. I feel like a changed person. Part of which I am still trying to figure out. Coming out of this all and facing all the people that were there for me so much throughout and realizing, wow. I hope I can return that favor and give back to someone who needs it just the same.

So here I sit Wednesday 9/30/09 and I feel at peace. Yes my heart still hurts, but I got an amazing nights sleep for the first time in a long time. I finally feel okay.. it will all be okay.:)

My next scan won't be till the first of the year so till then I am able to put my mind at ease as well.

So with that the latest and greatest in the life of Holly. I love each and every one of you so much and am so lucky to have so many great people in my life!!!!

P.S. A new picture with actual hair coming back. Funny story about that on my next blog :)

XO,

Me

Wow, where to begin. It’s been so long and I am sorry to all who have been looking for Holly follow-ups. I have been in somewhat of a “funk” we will call it. I am getting better day by day. I guess it is usual for some to go through after treatment. After all I did just KICK cancer’s butt.

I guess when I came out of all this I kind of found myself looking back and wondering what the... I mean I had so much support it was overwhelming at times. I love you all very much, but at times I just didn’t want to tell anyone how I felt, or what was going on. You go through this crazy rollercoaster of emotion, pain, strength, and determination. Then in the end of it all I was told I was cancer free. I found myself feeling so lonely, all the support, my boyfriend that cared, and then all the sudden nothing. Now don’t take this wrong I know in the crazy head of mine that you are all still there if I EVER needed anything, but there are some really bad days. It’s strange and hard to explain, and has nothing to do with the way any of you have been to me. I found myself saying I just made it through one of the hardest most difficult things I probably will ever go through in my life (at least I hope and pray that’s it) But I should be full of joy, happy, blessed, overjoyed.. I could go on and on. Instead though; I feel sad, down, and lonely. Why? I figured that blogging again might be a bit of therapy. Might be a way for me to get it out and to tell you all that I am fine.

So enough of what I have been going through but where I am going! I am getting ready to move into a one bedroom. I am hoping this will be a new beginning for me. Of what to come I am not sure. Hopefully I can find myself and happiness.

So with that I will try to keep this up more often as kind of way for me to get it all out. All the therapist I saw wanted to do was throw me on more drugs. Don’t they get it I don’t want more drug’s. I just wanted to talk about it… LOL!
Well till next time. XOXO

It's been a little bit.

So it's been a little bit since my last post with my exciting news. Since then so much has happened. I had my 6th and last chemo last Thursday. Boy that was a tough one! I think all the emotions and anxiety of it all finally caught up to me. It got so bad half way through that they actually had to order me ativan from the pharmacy just to knock me out so i would make it. I was so bummed because I had been so excited to share my last day with a fellow survivor I had met Linda. We had both gotten the great news of being cancer free, and we would both have our last treatments together. Unfortunately by the time she got there I was already too sick to share in the joy of the day. 

The story of how we met and got to talking is pretty neat. I had my previous treatment with her as well and as we started to talk about our journeys. By the way I have met some tremendous and courageous people during my treatments. Anyhow we realized though completely different cancers and treatments, our trials and tribulations were one in the same. 

I was sharing with her my battle of being a young adult going through this and how one of my most difficult times was wondering if I would come out of this still able to bear a child. How my insurance had denied me any fertility help prior to chemo, and how chemo often times has devestating affects on young people. By the end of our 5th chemo she truly enlightened me when she had mentioned that adoption was one of the most incredible things she had done, and how her husband and her have a beautiful son because of it. I was soon going to witness this with my own eyes as him and his girlfriend came into visit her during our treatment. She had also shared with me that 2 days after our meeting because of me, she would finally find the courage to shave her head. It was truly a blessing to have crossed paths with her. Mwuah!!

So our last treatment her son and his girlfriend came back to visit her and to both of our surprise they brought her and I both beautiful roses and sparkling cider chilled with champagne glasses and all. What a blessed and amazing family! I was so sad to not be able to participate in such a great day!  We will have our celebration soon though!

Today now is a little over a week from my last treatment and I am dealing with the bone pains from the neupogen shots I am having to endure. I actually got an additional shot yesterday as I was informed that my red count is low as well. This is the first time for that, I guess there is a first for everything! HA. With that I am trying to stay positive I have unfortunately had a couple missed days of work this week and some restless nights. All in all though not a bad deal. I mean if you think about it. I went 6 SOLID rounds and I did it. I won the fight. You can't expect to kick cancers BUTT and not come out with some battle wounds, right?

So on the up side of all of this, my hair has started to grow back already. I have an ever so soft layer of fuzz on the top of my head :)  A new picture of this is posted along.. 

I will try to keep you more up to date than I have been. Looking forward to next weekend with all my closest friends and family.. Let's celebrate!!

XOXO

CANCER FREE is the way to be :)

So, if you have not already heard the great news of the day.. today I was told my scans came back normal. What a day of so many emotions... the love and the support has been tremendous throughout this entire journey. I am so blessed to be free of this horrible thing we know as cancer. It's so weird though because I sit and think about so many good things it has brought to my eyes, so many great people it has made so dear to my heart, and so strong it has made me. It's almost a bitter sweet.. No not really but it's weird. I don't think I would change what I have been through because I think everything we go through helps to lead us where we are going. 

Okay, Okay, enough of that!!! I AM CANCER FREE!!!! Woooo hooooo!

So with that news, I also had two root canals today. They have me on loads of antibiotics, and are going to completely dose me with Neupogen on my next round of chemo. Round 6 baby.. It's gonna be a knock out. :) Can't wait!!!!!!

Love you all,

XO

It's Saturday and I feel good.

Who would have thought, two days after treatment and I am still feeling good. Is this the creeper one that will get me 3 or 4 days later, or am I just lucky and number five came off easy for me. Let's hope that's the case. Either way I am going to get up and enjoy the day and see how it goes. I hope you all have a great day too.

That's all for me today!

XOXO

# 5 is done!!!!

I have been a big slacker I know. But the exciting thing is that # 5 chemo is done. To top it off I think it was the fastest day of chemo ever. Got there @ 8:30 saw the doc briefly and we were on our way. Come 2 o' clock I was done. Complete record time... I came straight home after since I was not feeling to hot took an Ativan and fell fast asleep. I woke up later that evening and I surprisingly felt okay. I know they say each treatment is a little different but this was great. So far this morning I am feeling okay as well. Just about to take my morning steroids though. My favorite part of this whole experience, NOT. Anyhow so with that we only have one more to go and I am set for a PET scan May 28th. This will show the doc if all the cancer is gone. They will still administer chemo # 6, but then HOLLY will be CANCER FREE. That will be one amazing thing to here.

Love you all, thanks so much for all your support. I couldn't have made it this far with out you.

XOXO,

Me

Big girls don't cry...

So I don't know what happened to me but for some reason I was an emotional wreck today. I had a really bad client to deal with on the phone and I kid you not I started balling when I got off the call. I continued in and out of tears for about 45 min after the call. I think a combination of just how big of a jerk the guy was and the drugs in my body made me act like an actual crazy cancer patient for about an hour. Once I finally calmed down my day went pretty well. At least physically I feel great! So with that I am off to play some Wii fit and to rest. 

Oh by the way I am so HAPPY that Manny is an idiot and the Dodgers are going to be hurting. Let's go Angels!!!!! (I know the game sucked last night, but it's still early) 

Here is a fun picture, forgive the fact that it's taken with a co-workers cell phone. I love how it looks like it was a photo edit job to remove the hair. The angle of the photo almost makes me look like a cone head. It's really not that pointy I promise guys. 

Till tommorrow!!